Natural Parenting Blog Party Comes to an End

When I sat down to write this post a couple of hours ago I wasn't sure how it would unfold. Many of the natural living, grace-based parenting topics have been blogged about. Some ad nauseam. No offense to anyone who has blogged about a topic that 500 other bloggers have already done. We all have different perspective. I'm just not that creative to come up with my own angle on the most common topics.

Then it hit me. I have my blog post. There may be 500 other bloggers who have explored this aspect of grace-based parenting but I haven't read those blogs so I'm going for it.

Get ready because I'm going to challenge your parenting style and rock your world. ;)

When you read about parenting many people bring up the Biblical references to "the rod" (which is another topic all on it's own that you can read about HERE) and use that in defense of spanking (aka physical punishment). You read about numerous methods you can implement. You read about how not to allow your child(ren) (or baby as some books teach) to control you or the family. We search for methods and tips on how to not screw up our kids.

Before you delve deeper into striving to be the "perfect" parent and evaluate your parenting, stop and consider this:

How do you treat your marriage?

Disclaimer: If you are parenting solo, don't hit the "back" button or close the window. I want you to consider what I say and in the end, ponder your relationship with Christ.

Ephesians 5 : 22 - 30 (NIV)

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ love the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church for we are members of His body."

Now read it in The Message version:

"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to His church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as He exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church, a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything He does and says is designed to bring out the best in her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor since they're already "one" in marriage.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of His body."

How are we instructed to treat our spouse? Controlling them? Training them to fit into our schedule and life? I think most of us are aware of what happens when physical harm to one or the other happens in a relationship.

He is showing us here how we are to treat one another in order to have a healthy marriage that reflects His relationship with the church (fyi: That's us). There is respect. There is love. There is kindness. There is grace. There is patience. A husband and wife living this will most likely be living in peace. I don't mean they will never have a disagreement or need to deal with an issue in their marriage. What I mean is they will handle daily life and those challenging times by not screaming at or berating each other to get a point across or to get the other to submit or to correct. There is grace and they will (whether it is quick or after some time) solve the situation with respect and love.

Why then, should our children be parented contrary to that?

If the Scriptures speak of a marriage relationship full of respect and love, why do we read and implement teachings of parenting that exclude respect, love, grace, understanding,....? Are those things only reserved for a husband and wife's relationship and when it comes to parenting we can pull out all the stops and physically punish our child(ren) and treat them as a wild animal that needs training? If your wife is disrespectful or chooses to go against what you asked, you wouldn't dream (I hope!) of taking an object (because you know, it's not good to use your hand) and physically punishing her for it. But if your child does the same, parents don't think twice about getting an object and physically punishing him/her for it. Somehow society has come to accept physical punishment as being fine for babies and children but when an adult does it, there are (we hope) dire consequences.

Are we parenting our children in a way that will bring out the best in them? If we respond to misbehavior with anger and chastisement, are we helping them grow? In the Scriptures above we are called, as wives, to respect our husbands. It's impossible to offer that respect if you talk down to him. And that certainly will not inspire him to be his best. If we support him through mistakes (via prayer and verbally) and encourage him, he will be inspired to be his best! Our children need that same response as well.

Are we parenting with understanding? When your husband (or wife) is acting contrary to his usual self and his feelings are being vented to the family as impatience, grumpiness, being short with you or the children, do you snap back to "straighten up!" and comment on how dumb he's acting? Or do you stop and ask yourself (and then in a gentle way ask him), "I wonder what his day at work was like?" Or stop and consider what and who he had to deal with that day? Most times we snap at people because they are present and available for us to take our frustration out on. Stop and think about all the things little ones are dealing with. They tire easily, their bodies are growing, they are learning to communicate, and they don't always fully understand what we are asking of them. As a result their behavior many times is expressed with disobedience, grumpiness, crying, etc. Instead of snapping at them out of frustration and anger and chastising them, before you respond, stop and consider what their little body might be going through or what they have had to deal with that day. For some creative ways to do this, I highly recommend reading through Dulce de Leche for some great ideas!

I'm sure there are some out there who will read this and say, "Nice argument but our marriage is like you describe. We sleep train our babies, we train them from the beginning (or close to it) so they don't learn they are in charge of the family, we spank them, we are teaching them to respect others, we do XYZ and our kids are turning out GREAT!!"

To those of you who would say that, I ask you this.

If it's not acceptable to do to another adult, explain to me how it is acceptable to do to a child?

In treating your children contrary to how you treat your spouse, are you reflecting a healthy relationship with Christ and His church?

Yes, children need a certain amount of training. Yes, children need direction. How you go about that makes all the difference in their world and in the world. When we reflect grace, respect, and love to our child(ren)...just as we do for our spouse...we are also reflecting Jesus and His relationship with us. Because of His grace towards us, we can know His voice and desire to obey...not because we are frightened and forced into obedience. Because of his grace towards us, we desire live the way He asks us to live. Do you want your child(ren) to understand and obey because they are frightened of your response and the consequence so they submit to avoid that? Or do you want them to understand and obey because they trust and respect you?

When we sin and disobey He doesn't physically harm us. He loves us, His church. He patiently gives us instruction and desires for us to be our best. That is exactly what He instructs the marriage relationship to reflect. Does He only desire for our marriages to reflect these things? Is there anywhere in Scripture that states we are to act one way in marriage but when it comes to parenting, the rules change? If you are going to comment and make an argument by bringing up the "rod" Scriptures, stop and go back up to do some research on what the "rod" the Bible speaks of really is.

Before someone comments that I am taking these Scriptures out of context, stop and consider your argument and if you really want to make that comment. Why would He speak about treating our spouse one way then contradict Himself in relation to treating other people or our own child(ren) in a similar way? Doing so would go against who He is. The marriage relationship reflects His relationship with His church....that's us, remember? His church also includes our children. So....are you seeing the point here yet?....if the marriage relationship of respect, love, grace, understanding, patience, kindness, etc. & etc. is a reflection of His relationship with us, our relationship with our children be the same. If we don't, how will they grow to understand His respect, love, grace, understanding, patience,kindness, etc & etc. with them? If we respond with anger, disgust, physical punishment, impatience, etc & etc. it is pretty likely that they will base future relationships...including their relationship with Christ...on those things.

I know some of you who read this will have no desire to change how you parent and will close this window and go on with life as you know it. If that's you, thank you for reading and respecting what I have shared.

If anything above made you go, "Hmmm...I've never thought of it that way." then I challenge you to learn more about grace-based parenting. It's a process. I am certainly not reflecting these things 24/7...this post is for me just as much as it is for you. It's not a secret...I am not great at that patience thing. ;) I have a lot to work on too. But I believe the things I wrote above and want to reflect them in my life. I pray that, if anything I said causes you to pause and consider change, you will realize that "grace is for Moms" (and Dads and I have that in quotes because it is not an original statement, it is one I have read elsewhere) too. Tomorrow is a new day and you have the chance to reflect Christ's relationship with His church to your child(ren).